The Suitcase

      It had so many memories with it. The threads were loosening and all-together missing at some parts. I still remember his parting words, complimented with a gift I did not want to receive.

~~~~

      New York City was my dream destination. Ever since I was a little girl all I could dream about was walking along the streets chalk full of people. Waking up to the sound of trucks and cabs blaring. Making music out of the hustle and bustle of the city. Eating greasy hot dogs, pretzels and peanuts right from the stand. Rollerblading through Central Park. Ice-skating at the Rockefeller Center. Getting neck cramps from craning my neck to look at all the buildings. I wanted it all. 

      At the ripe age of 20, that's exactly what I got. And more. Because there was a guy. He was not my image of "perfect." Me being the clean and proper girl I was..and he was anything but that. He worked as a tattoo artist in the not-so-nice part of town. Body littered with various tattoos. Not to mention piercings. Lip, nose, tongue, and two sets of gauges on each ear. So a girl studying law at NYU; why would I be interested? Well, he was quite the charmer. Roughly 5'10" with jet black hair; not too long and not too short. He had piercing blue eyes that locked you into an eternal gaze the moment eye contact was made. His name was Jace. 

      On April 20th out fates intertwined. I was walking through the brisk October chill towards a friends apartment and walked past him while he was on his smoke break. Just as he creamed the butt of the cigarette into the ground with the tip of his shoe, his eye caught mine. "I'm sorry..do I know you? You look oddly familiar." he said as he flashed his winner smile at me. His teeth were surprisingly white after obviously knowing he smoked. 

"Uhm..no, I'm sorry. You've got the wrong person." I turned to keep walking, but his hand reached out and gripped my shoulder.

"Wait. I'm sorry. I don't mean to scare you off but... ugh. I'm no good at this. I think you're very pretty and I.. I.. I would like to get to know you. I'm Jace." His intense eyes softened proving the sincerity in his voice. I un-tensed my body and turned towards him.

I stuck out my hand, saying, "I'm Lucy."
"Lucy? That's..that's a beautiful name. May I get your number? I'd love to take you out to coffee sometime."

      I pondered his offer for a moment. After all, I was new to town still. We exchanged numbers and he told me he would contact me. With one last handshake, we parted our separate ways. I looked over my shoulder one last time and blushed to find him looking over his.
     Our love wasn't like others. He wasn't like others. Our relationship built up slowly. We didn't even kiss until the third date. We looked like an odd couple. His hipster style clashed with my clean-cut chic style. My hair was a short pixie cut at the time with olive eyes to match. Make-up always done, nails always manicured, there was not one spot of uncleanliness about me. He was a complete grunge. Despite our clashing looks, we had more in common than anyone would guess. We both grew up without help. Self-reliant from birth, we raised ourselves. We did not know dependence. We did not understand asking for help. But neither of us minded because we both understood each other. If we argued at all, it was about what color we wanted to paint our condo. We moved in together after a year and a half of dating. It was an amazing six months at first, well...it was great until I learned of the influence he had on me.
      Within one year of living together, I dropped out of law school. I dropped out of college all together. I had thirteen piercings and wanted more. Just like Jace, my body became littered with tattoos. I worked in a merchandise shop for metal and rock concerts. Bartended on weekends. Jace and I moved a lot too. Eviction became common due to our constant party complaints and the lurking smell of marijuana that seeped through the vents. We didn't care.
      Looking back, I don't remember when I stopped caring. Maybe it was the first time I filled my lungs with the poisonous smoke that became my best friend, Jane. Or the first time that I burned my throat by swallowing the fiery whiskey. Either way, I no longer cared. My pencil skirts and button down shirts were packed in a box far away smelling of musk. All my heels had layers of dust from the years of being stuffed farther and farther into the depths of the underneath of my bed. I allowed myself to live like this for five years.
      We were both almost 27 when things began to change. Jace was acting weird. In bed, he stopped holding me. He spent less and less time at home and more and more at the shop or with "friends". I didn't believe one word he said. I mean, I no longer had any of my own friends. They all drop-kicked me out of their life me out of their lives to continue on with their ambitions. But I befriended all of his friends. We became close, so I often tagged along with him. Yet he stopped inviting me to hang out with them. This made me very suspicious that something was going on. One night he came home very late. I turned on the light when he when he walked in. I was sitting on the kitchen counter with a cigarette and a cup of coffee. My cheeks were stained with black lines. My eyes were puffy and I was surrounded by tissues. I tried to contain myself and ease up to the big question, but that never happened.

 "Are you cheating on me?" I blurted.

With a chuckle he replied, "Haha, what?! No, I wouldn't ever do that to you."

"Well you're acting like it."

"Hun, where are you getting all of this?"

"You've changed. You don't treat me the same as you used to. What did I do wrong?" Sobs broke up the words and I broke down. I promised myself that I wouldn't cry but that promise broke without me even putting up a fight. Jace's face and body expression softened as he walked over me and my hands in his.

"Luce, baby, I love you. I would never cheat on you. It's just.." He sighed.

"Just what?"

"Your drinking and smoking have gotten out of control. I know it's my fault. But I love you and would love to spend my life with you. But I want you to get healthy again. Go back to the Lucy I fell in love with."

"Are you telling me I need REHAB?! What the hell?"

"Babe, please don't yell. I was scared you'd react like this. Please know that I only want the best for you, I want you to get better. Don't you see that?" I wanted to yell at him, but I had to admit that he was right. Even if I didn't want to believe it.

"I..I guess you're right."

      "So, will you let me take you to get help?" Tears welled up in my eyes once again and I stubbornly nodded. I cried into his shirt as he held me tightly. He whispered, "I love you baby. You know that, right?" A muffled "mhmm" escaped my mouth as my tears continued to bleed into his shirt.
      I packed my bags slowly. As I looked into my now half-empty closet, the boxes filled with the old me became evident. A familiar pang stabbed my gut. I forced myself to refocus on my bags. With a final sigh, I zip them up and haul them to the outside of our apartment building. The cab arrived shortly after. Jace was right on my heels to wish me goodbye. Before stepping into the cab, I turned to him. We stared into each others' eyes for a moment before leaping into each others' arms. I didn't want to let him go, but he pulled away and gripped my shoulders while looking deep into my eyes. The carried the same sincerity from the day we met.
      "Luce. I love you. Get better my darling and I will be here to see you when you come home." His eyes filled with tears while we shared one last kiss. I didn't yet know this would be the last kiss we would ever share.
      My feet dragged as I stopped into the main hall of the building. The man and I made a right. Wait, two rights. Now a left, and another right. Wait, I lost track. When we finally arrived into the main entertainment room, I was thoroughly lost. Three others were also in the room.I studied them as I nervously stood to the side. Grant sat in a chair his elbows on his knees, nervously fidgeting with his hands. Rochelle paced. Axel just stared out the window with his arms hugging his body. I could tell these were hardcore druggies, and me..all I did was smoke and drink..so why was I here? "Everyone, this is Lucy. Lucy, meet Grant, Rochelle and Axel. You'll be rooming with Rochelle." Grant snickered until Rochelle shot him the death glare. He showed me to my room. I dropped my measly suitcase and sat on my cot. Bounced on it a couple times. Hard as a rock. The walls had a couple picture quotes with cheesy lines like "You can do this!". Hah. Whatever. Rochelle stopped in, looking at me, then began to take off her makeup while saying, "Keep your stuff on your side of the room and we shouldn't have a problem." I nodded and started putting my clothes away. Looks like I won't be making friends here.
      The next morning I was harshly awoken by a nurse. She led me to a small room filled with medical equipment. "Take off your clothes."

"What?!" I gasped.

"Take off your clothes," she said in the same monotone voice, "I need to do a physical."

      I reluctantly shed my clothing and sat on the cold metal table. With her clipboard she inspected various parts of my body and took notes. Only Jace had ever seen my body; I had never felt so violated. I noticed countless cracks in the ceiling and wished nothing more than to be able to disappear into them. Before I know it, I feel a prick on the inside of my elbow as she draws blood. After she finishes I lazily walk back to my room.
      As soon as I lay down again one of the therapists walks in and calls us out to breakfast. She is way too chipper for this early in the morning. As I strolled anxiously into the small cafeteria last, the other patients glanced at me slightly then blankly turned their attention towards the food. The powdered eggs and chewy bacon did not satisfy my palette. I was still hungry but I didn't want that food at all. What I wanted was my morning bowl and a cup of coffee. But no bowls for me. Or pipes. Or bongs. Or joints or blunts. No shots or pints either. Just weak cigarettes until I get out of this place. Hah. "Lucy?" The chipper therapist called me from the entertainment room into another room. Its pale blue walls and wicker furniture was misleading. This was not a relaxing beach house. This was New York City and I am in rehab. After scoping out the room, my gaze turned towards the therapist with an icy glaze over my eyes. If she thought I was opening up to her than she's on something.

"Hello Ms. Trent. I am Dr. Speare."

"Call me Lucy."

"Okay...Lucy. How are you doing?"

"Fine."

"On a scale of one to ten; one being awful and ten being perfect..where does 'fine' fall?"

"Nine."

"Wow. Okay. Well that's good. Noticing any withdrawals yet?"

"No."

"Listen Ms. Tr--Lucy. I am trying to help you, not piss you off. I can't help you if you don't give me a chance and shut me out from the start."

"Did I ever ask for your fucking help?! No. I don't need you. Or anyone else in this stupid hellhole. I was doing perfectly fine in my life before coming here. Do I want to be talking to you? No."

      With that said I stood up forcefully and made my way out the door. I stopped in the entertainment room for a lighter and cigarette and walked out to the patio. As I puffed my cigarette Axel joined me.

"Rough first meeting, huh?" he asked.

"Yeah I guess you could say that." We smoked in silence for a few minutes before he stated, "Well don't let it get to you too much. They do really want to help."

"I'm getting out of here tomorrow. I refuse to stay here."

"Suit yourself." I tried to stare out at the city through the mesh net. As he walked back I asked, "Wait..what's this net for?"

"So no one jumps."

"Why would anyone do that?"

"Hah, why wouldn't someone? This world is an ugly place."

       I wrote for my discharge the next morning. After much arguing with the therapists they finally agreed to release me. I hastily packed my bags with a youthful passion. I was going to Jace. I was going home. My heart races as I slowly walked up the familiar concrete steps. I pulled out my brass key and let myself into the familiar building. The old elevator creaked and groaned as it made its way to the bottom floor. The stale cigarette scent greeted me overwhelmingly as the doors slid open. The light above my head flickered as the elevator wobbled and rattled to the fifth floor. After closing behind me, my feet shuffled to our door. My hand shook nervously while fitting the key into the lock. As the door swung open, the smile across my face faded instantly. I stood in the doorway, shocked. The apartment was wiped clean except for two boxes, my neatly folded business clothes, and a suitcase I did not recognize. The boxes were filled with a few miscellaneous items that I owned. I lifted the blazer from the top of the clothes pile to my nose, half expecting it to smell of musk. It smelled like Downy fabric softener. I looked towards the suitcase and ran my fingers over the gold lettering on the side; my initials.
      The suitcase opened with an echoing loud click and a note fluttered out. It read, "My dearest Lucy, I love you so much. Know that this decision was painful beyond comprehension. But I was not healthy for you. I want this gift to hopefully draw you back to your very first passion. If you would like to visit me, my address is G33. Always, Jace." G33 confused me a lot. I logged onto map quest and got directions. As I made my way to Jace, I prepared myself for the outcome. Another chick. Him drunk. Or high. A screaming fight that would shatter anything we ever had. I looked up to scope out my destination, and what I saw took the breath out of my lungs. I was at a cemetery. G33 was his plot number.
      I sifted through the headstones until I got to his plot. It read that he passed away September 21, 2001. An entire seven months before we met. I collapsed to the ground--breathless and speechless. How could he have been dead this entire time? Was I really in love with a ghost? Or was he an angel?
      I slowly made my way home, bumping into various people. I did not pay attention. I did not care. After getting back into our apartment I look a hard look around. No sign that he had ever lived there. I spotted the suitcase once again and found myself falling towards it. The gold lettering blurred out. A few hours later I groggily awoke. The had set well beyond the top of the buildings and the darkness overtook everything. I stood up and turned on the kitchen light. I pondered on the suitcase and the note. Jace was right. I needed to go back to my first passion. Within five months all my tattoos were removed and most of my piercings gone. I enrolled myself back into law school, and studied hard. No more drinking or smoking. Over time I became very successful. I never found love again, never married.

~~~~

      As I run my fingers over the threads, tears run down my face. Wrinkles begin to define my face. A slight breeze blows through my hair as I sit next to a generator on the top of my apartment building; I watch the sunset every night. I leave the suitcase and walked to the edge as I stared into the dwindling light. Axel's voice goes through my head saying, "Why wouldn't someone? This world is an ugly place." He was right. Too ugly for me to handle. Next thing I know, I'm flying. Flying home to Jace.